Relationships are at the heart of our fulfillment, meaning, and legacy. Here I’ll start a repository of suggestions for navigating through relationship building and strengthening.
The Repair Remote Control (courtesy of The Gottman Institute)
Rewind (Sorry)
- “Can I try again?”
- “I messed up.”
- “How can I make things better?”
- “I’m sorry.”
Fast Forward (Get to Yes)
- “I agree with part of what you’re saying.”
- “Let’s find a compromise.”
- “What are your concerns?”
Pause (I Need to Calm Down)
- “Can we take a break from this conversation for now?”
- “Please be gentler with me”
- “I am starting to feel flooded.”
Stop (Stop Action!)
- “Give me a moment.”
- “Let’s agree to disagree.”
- “We are getting off track.”
Record (I Appreciate)
- “That’s a good point.”
- “I know this isn’t your fault.”
- “I love you.”
Microphone/Voice Command (I Feel)
- “That hurt my feelings.”
- “I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that?”
- “I’m getting worried.”
Successful Relationships Have These 4 Things(courtesy of The Gottman Institute)
- Fondness and Admiration: Fondness and admiration grow when couples intentionally put a positive spin on their relationship, on their history together, and on each other’s character. When they talk about each other and their relationship, they choose words that express warmth, affection, and respect.
- We-ness vs. Me-ness: Happy couples tell their stories with a sense of “we-ness” or of solidarity and togetherness. Often their words show shared beliefs, values, and goals.
- Expansiveness vs. Withdrawal: All couples have a story to tell. How couples share what Dr. John Gottman calls the “Story of Us” can determine the health of the relationship. When the “Story of Us” is positive and full of detail (expansive) versus lacking detail or negative (withdrawal), a couple has a strong buffer against conflict and they tend to focus on their partner’s positive qualities.
- Embrace Your Journey Together: As Dr. John Gottman says, couples who “glorify the struggle” express great pride in their ability to overcome difficult times together. They talk about how the hard seasons strengthened their bond and how they use conflict as a catalyst to grow closer together. These couples share profound meaning together and a life of purpose.
Reflect on these four things in your relationship. Is there room for opportunity? How can you strengthen each of these aspects?
Understanding Must Proceed Persuasion
Another great philosophy/piece of advice from The Gottman Institute. More can be found in this video series: Dealing with conflict